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Mel's Procrastination Palace
Friday, September 30, 2005 When all else fails, cut off their....

Last night I read a chapter for my pal Jaci. As many of you know, she contracted this kick ass book called Surviving Demon Island with Bantam Dell a little while back and is hard at work on it. I think the title is enough background for you to understand the following conversation I had with my hero when I got up this morning.

Me: What the hell was that? You're supposed to give me plot ideas and thoughts on conflict, motivation and furthering the plot while I'm dreaming, not take her ideas and build on 'em.

Hero: You've written two chapters. Two. I haven't gotten to go to the track, I haven't gotten laid yet, and that kiss. One lousy kiss. How dare you give me a conscience? The dude in Surviving Demon Island is getting to do all kinds of cool shit. I get dressed up in some lame ass suit and go to some boring ass party. Thanks.

Me: Two chapters. She's on chapter, what? Eleven, of course you're not getting full fledged action yet. Besides, I'm working on the sex-ten, trying to get it more obvious that you and the heroine [Molly] are gonna get together.

Hero: Great, I can look forward to blue balls for another chapter while you build up the tension. What the hell was I thinking? I coulda picked up some broad at Fifth and Main and had a quickie while waiting for you to play out this drama. Sex woman, and if not sex, at least let me drive!

Me: Back to this dream, so you've decided that while I'm ratcheting up sex ten, you're gonna go demon hunting?

Hero: Yeah, so?

Me: You're a Nascar driver, not a demon hunter. You don't know shit about hunting demons. You drive, smile at the camera and are searching for a good, wholesome woman to settle down with, capiche?

Hero: Lame, lame, lame. I want wild parties, naked women and fast cars. Can't you fire me? What's a guy gotta do around here to get fired? I want Jaci to write me in her story.

Me: You might not wanna talk like that. I heard about some...bloodshed, or did you forget about that?

Hero: He was a *bleep*. I'll just--

Me: No. You can't take your car to the jungle and you can't run over demons. Doesn't work. Besides. That big heavy car with those tires just won't cut it. You'll be a sitting duck for a hungry demon. I repeat: You're a Nascar driver. Not a demon hunter. No, you cannot join the demon hunters, even if they are getting more action that you. No, the car won't be a logical weapon in the jungle, I'm sure it'll get stuck in the sand. Seriously. And no, I really doubt there's a demon threat at the track. Leave it up to the professionals to get to the demons, and quit looking at Gina's ass. Stick with Molly, k?

Hero: You suck. Did you see that suit she was wearing? Not an ounce of flesh anywhere. Gina's one hot cookie. I'd like to ---

Me: Fine. No sex for you until at least chapter ten. And then maybe I'll give you a...small---

Hero: Don't even go there.

Posted by Melani Blazer :: 6:27 PM :: 3 comments

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